The Whole30 I did recently with my partner can definitely be filed under the heading context matters. The program was a no-brainier for him: struggling with IBS, overweight and taking a hit in the self esteem department, he was a prime candidate for a lifestyle change. My context, on the other hand, was a bit different: having spent a good part of my adolescence and 20s struggling with an eating disorder, and breastfeeding our infant exclusively, I was (appropriately) apprehensive about any plan that involved restricting my food intake. But, I am the primary food shopper and menu planner in our family (by inclination and by choice) so I really wanted to find a way to make a Whole30 work because it wasn’t realistic for him to do one without me, and supporting his health is an “I love you” I want to choose every time.
I did my due diligence, including reading and rereading this important article, and talking with friends and a counselor before deciding to take the plunge. The vestigial ghostly eating disordered part of my mind knew that, done mindlessly, this was a perfect chance to accidentally get too skinny, and I had to have daily conversations with that voice to keep myself honest.
I did a number of things in order to intentionally “fail” at losing weight on the Whole30 as a breastfeeding Mama in eating disorder recovery. This was not easy, friends. I had the “perfect” opportunity to relapse, and it required real intentionality to choose self love and health throughout. (I’m bragging right now. I am very proud of myself. Just saying.) I cut out any exercise beyond the babywearing up and down the stairs with laundry variety. I put gobs of coconut milk in my coffee. Breakfast was three eggs, a sweet potato spread with ghee and a palm full of olives. I ate dinner portions 150% larger than my partner, who is five inches taller than me and a former ice hockey player. To steal Melissa Hartwig’s phrase, I ate all the things.
When we weighed ourselves again after the month long program, I had stayed exactly the same weight, which while a disappointment to the ghost, was a victory and a milestone on the path of my ongoing recovery. (My partner, on the other hand, reports that his IBS has literally never been better managed and that he lost a significant and healthy amount of weight.) I did have a number of non-scale victories over the course of the month, by the way. My sleep, digestion and overall energy levels all improved. I broke a nasty MyFitnessPal habit I had developed postpartum. I reset my sweetness meter. I actually made more milk for my baby. Wins.
So why am I sharing this? Because choices. Because mindset. Because motives. These all matter enormously. So often in recovery, it’s not what you’re doing or what’s on your plate, but why. Many people do a Whole30 to lose weight, but it doesn’t have to be about that at all. Same goes for anything else you or I choose to undertake, be it exercise, a relationship, a career change… all of these can be recovery wins or purposeful self-sabotage.